Hi ,

I am thinking right now. Really I am thinking about a lot of things. It's midnight and I am simply sitting on my bed thinking. Sometimes I just have to write (or type) to get my ideas organized. So who knows if I will ever post this.

I had a weird day. I did a surprising amount of stuff for a vacation day for me. I got up and got ready and went to the elementary school that I used to help out at. I visited with the teacher that I helped for a bit. That was strange, but over all nice. Got me to thinking that I need to call my old guidance counselor and see if she would like to go to lunch.

I then went home and Cari came over. My head is so random and incomplete around her, but some how I still feel at ease completely around her. We cooked some food and talked. Then we watched a really long movie that I knew she wouldn't like, but has awesome cinematography and is a movie that pretty much everyone should see at least once. It is better your second time through.

Then it was off to decathlon practice, where I helped them out with studying B cells and T cells. Some war analogies later and two phone calls from sir Ike, I was on my way back home. It was nice being with the team, even though I don't know most of them now. Still the atmosphere there is amazing and makes me feel at home because at some points it was the only thing that was regular and structured without being confining.

Then home where I was joined by Ike. I showed him a book and we both fiddled around on our computers, along with talking. Then the two of us went to eat some Chinese. I love riding with Ike. He has great music and videos, plus I feel completely safe with him. Then home again where he did some hacking and I fiddled around on the computer, and then made hot chocolate when he was getting upset. Then forced him to watch a youtube video that he needed to see.

I then ditched him for a movie with Cari. I really just left him sitting in my room while I drove away. Great movie though. I really enjoyed it. That and having the whole movie theater to ourselves was great. We talked and laughed and watched the movie. I miss Cari too much when I am away at school. I forget what it means to have a person who gets you so completely, who can laugh at you and no part of you is offended, who knows all of your flaws and loves you anyway, who knows all of your secrets and all of your past and still doesn't judge you. I'm not sure if she always wants to be my best friend but the fact is I love her, no p.s.

For some reason that helped. Just to write what I did helped. Maybe it is the structure of it all. I am still feeling a little like I did before, and that is defeated. I don't always know what I want, and that really hits me when I spend the day with people who really know me. I was doing such a great job of faking it. One day I will know and follow through and be happy. That is all I want. Is that possible?

Ta Ta