Hello,
I need to stop. This applies to a lot of things. I need to stop worrying and start relaxing. I need to stop assuming that I can fix everything. I need to stop wanting to fix everything and stop feeling personally invested when things fail. I need to stop thinking about the long term future and focus on now. I need to start breathing, start running, start living.
There is one fatal flaw, I don't know how to do it, and I am to apathetic to change my ways. I hate that I care so much about so much. I shouldn't but I do.
My decision is made and I have told everyone except for one because I am a selfish chicken, or maybe because I don't want to hurt her feelings. There is also this little thing that I am not sure I made the right decision, on a lot of things.
The horrible part is this leads me to think I want/need a drink. I don't always like what I have done after I drink, but the stress relief is still good.
If I had a car I would do what I did in high school. I would just drive. Drive until the weight of the world isn't crashing down. Drive until I have figured things out. Drive until I am out of tears or hatred. Drive until dawn.
I don't get enough sleep. But what is new about that? I am becoming apathetic about my school work and while that isn't new it is possibly bad for me.
I need to stop thinking about the past. It is done and there is no changing what I have done, and what is over.
Be proud. I have gone the entire day without drinking caffeine and this on very little sleep.
This wasn't for anyone else. This was for me. If you feel like it you can talk to me about it (if I post it that is).
Ta Ta
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Sorting Things Out
Hello,
I need to organize my thoughts and if you would like to come along on this journey please continue reading.
I need out. I really think I do. Summer seemed so near and now this. A freaking blizzard. We are supposed to get over a foot of snow. Why? Isn't it April? I don't think that thinking of transferring is helping either. It is making me itch to leave and the fact is I haven't decided where I am going. But isn't that my life? When I felt like this before I just would jump in my car and drive until I got to a different town and then just drive back. I didn't care what town and I never went to see anyone I just needed to feel like I was going somewhere.
I feel this place is just a holding college. It feels like I don't really belong here and I am leaving along with some others and we have just been kind of held here for a year. Not that we were treated badly, just that this wasn't right for us.
But where to go? Where my head tells or to where my heart tells me? Why can't they agree? They did once but then reality struck and that was the end of that. I lived, I made do. I keep talking about the proximity of family to all schools, but why? I love my family and all but I was willing to go about twelve hours from my home to go to school as of this time last year. Actually this time last year I had resigned myself to my realistic fate and here I have sat.
Why did I pick here? I have asked myself that countless times and I don't have a clear answer. I couldn't pay for the dream, I would have to wait for the back up, I didn't want the other back up, so I guess I just took here because I was running out of options? That sounds like a horrible reason to pick a school. I don't believe I deserve a lot in life, but I think i deserve the educational institution that I can be happy at. Either of the choices now I would be happy at I think. One would make my parents happy and their wallets, and I hate to say it but their opinion does mean a great deal to me. In the end though it is just one of the things I am considering.
The problem is a lot of people are waiting for me to decide and they have their personal opinions and I feel like I will let people down no matter what I choose. This includes one of my best friends in the world. I don't want to hurt her but I am leaning towards the other school. I love her and she knows that and if she needed me there I would go, but the fact is she has friends there and more coming. She will be fine. I hope she understands that if I choose the other one it is because I think it is what is best for me. I can't make this decision based on other people. I refuse to let money control me again, but in the end it is still a factor. This is about me and where I will be happy, healthy, and likely to succeed. I just need to keep telling myself this.
That's all for now.
Ta Ta
I need to organize my thoughts and if you would like to come along on this journey please continue reading.
I need out. I really think I do. Summer seemed so near and now this. A freaking blizzard. We are supposed to get over a foot of snow. Why? Isn't it April? I don't think that thinking of transferring is helping either. It is making me itch to leave and the fact is I haven't decided where I am going. But isn't that my life? When I felt like this before I just would jump in my car and drive until I got to a different town and then just drive back. I didn't care what town and I never went to see anyone I just needed to feel like I was going somewhere.
I feel this place is just a holding college. It feels like I don't really belong here and I am leaving along with some others and we have just been kind of held here for a year. Not that we were treated badly, just that this wasn't right for us.
But where to go? Where my head tells or to where my heart tells me? Why can't they agree? They did once but then reality struck and that was the end of that. I lived, I made do. I keep talking about the proximity of family to all schools, but why? I love my family and all but I was willing to go about twelve hours from my home to go to school as of this time last year. Actually this time last year I had resigned myself to my realistic fate and here I have sat.
Why did I pick here? I have asked myself that countless times and I don't have a clear answer. I couldn't pay for the dream, I would have to wait for the back up, I didn't want the other back up, so I guess I just took here because I was running out of options? That sounds like a horrible reason to pick a school. I don't believe I deserve a lot in life, but I think i deserve the educational institution that I can be happy at. Either of the choices now I would be happy at I think. One would make my parents happy and their wallets, and I hate to say it but their opinion does mean a great deal to me. In the end though it is just one of the things I am considering.
The problem is a lot of people are waiting for me to decide and they have their personal opinions and I feel like I will let people down no matter what I choose. This includes one of my best friends in the world. I don't want to hurt her but I am leaning towards the other school. I love her and she knows that and if she needed me there I would go, but the fact is she has friends there and more coming. She will be fine. I hope she understands that if I choose the other one it is because I think it is what is best for me. I can't make this decision based on other people. I refuse to let money control me again, but in the end it is still a factor. This is about me and where I will be happy, healthy, and likely to succeed. I just need to keep telling myself this.
That's all for now.
Ta Ta
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