hello,
Things are getting overwhelming. I have too much homework. Too much work. I don't have enough discipline. The whole of last week I was freezing because the heat wasn't on in my building. I came back today to find that my fridge is a vengeful thing and had turned my sodas into slushies. And my freezer took a lesson from my fridge and turned my ice cream into a solid rock. Greatly disappointing.
I don't feel like running away like last year. I feel like I just want a little break. Just a few days and then I will come back. I want to see my friends. I want to laugh with them, watch movies with them, eat ice cream with them. I want to forget about chemistry. Say so long to Latin. I want a few days back in my world, with everything the way I had it. If I was going to run away it would be to London though. To that flat I have planned out with a friend.
The economy sucks. Not just the United States economy but the world economy. It really does worry me. The bailout with help some, but not if the banks keep spending the money on themselves and not on helping the people. I don't believe either candidate has a real concrete plan, and I don't believe they could seeing as no one is looking to other countries who have gone through the same thing to base our plans off of. I fear that if this doesn't work out quickly too many of us will losing homes, jobs and not going back to college. I am worried about that. I will have to take out loans soon and then I will have to worry about money. I am not okay with that. What happens when a generation doesn't graduate college and those who do can't find jobs? I worry about that. We all need to think about it. We need a concrete solution, and we need faith. Who ever provides that is a national hero.
That is all for now.
ta ta.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
an update
Hello,
I am back at college, a different college this time but still it is college. I like it here so very much, at least so far. This isn't to say that I don't miss people from my last college, or my friends from back home. People here are surprisingly nice, and living in a dorm isn't as bad as I thought it would be. The food is much better here, and the classes are much more interesting.
I had a bad day today but I won't get into it now. Lets just say that I made it through and tomorrow will be better. As I was walking back from this horrific day I was listening to some up beat, loud bass music in my ipod, when I felt a familiar tightness in my right calf. I have felt this before. I severely strained/tore my Achilles tendon when I was in the eighth grade and ever since then any start of a new work out routine I feel the tightness. This apparently even means just walking as much as I do now. In tennis at the beginning of the season, like in many sports you get that tightness that just goes away with more work. I didn't have that this summer. I didn't play tennis this summer. That really saddens me because I love tennis to no end, and I take this sick pleasure in complaining about that beginning season tightness to other players because it shows that I am out there playing. I hate to say it but I wish my whole back and arms were tight not just my calf.
This town is great. I love being at a university where my profs. not only are the experts in the fields but are so much so that they have written the text books. I love that I feel like I am back in the country but not 15 min. away walking is a huge town, and one of my favorite streets in the world. I love how nice people are here despite the fact that it is a huge school. Most of all I love knowing that my mom went here. Granted that when she went here the school was much different. New buildings have gone up and some have been torn down. The acceptance rates and requirements have changed very drastically and not in the students favor. The political nature hasn't changed much and neither has the party scene.
I am back at college, a different college this time but still it is college. I like it here so very much, at least so far. This isn't to say that I don't miss people from my last college, or my friends from back home. People here are surprisingly nice, and living in a dorm isn't as bad as I thought it would be. The food is much better here, and the classes are much more interesting.
I had a bad day today but I won't get into it now. Lets just say that I made it through and tomorrow will be better. As I was walking back from this horrific day I was listening to some up beat, loud bass music in my ipod, when I felt a familiar tightness in my right calf. I have felt this before. I severely strained/tore my Achilles tendon when I was in the eighth grade and ever since then any start of a new work out routine I feel the tightness. This apparently even means just walking as much as I do now. In tennis at the beginning of the season, like in many sports you get that tightness that just goes away with more work. I didn't have that this summer. I didn't play tennis this summer. That really saddens me because I love tennis to no end, and I take this sick pleasure in complaining about that beginning season tightness to other players because it shows that I am out there playing. I hate to say it but I wish my whole back and arms were tight not just my calf.
This town is great. I love being at a university where my profs. not only are the experts in the fields but are so much so that they have written the text books. I love that I feel like I am back in the country but not 15 min. away walking is a huge town, and one of my favorite streets in the world. I love how nice people are here despite the fact that it is a huge school. Most of all I love knowing that my mom went here. Granted that when she went here the school was much different. New buildings have gone up and some have been torn down. The acceptance rates and requirements have changed very drastically and not in the students favor. The political nature hasn't changed much and neither has the party scene.
There is just something about going to a school your parent went to. I know it is corny but I take a sense of pride in the fact that I am among a special class of second generation students here. My mom went here, and while she never lived on campus, or took the classes I am taking, or had the same major, we now share something even more because I go here. Her school is now my school. Different times, but the same love. She won't admit it but she loves this school by extension of all the memories she has here.
I should rest up. I will write more later.
Fall is coming. I can't wait!
Ta ta!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Peaceful
Hello,
I never thought that I would actually have a summer working as much as I do, but somehow I find a way. If I work it is followed by going to the beach or hanging out with friends. There is little stress in my life except for losing my phone (which is now recovered) and my sunburned back and my sore foot. Working on the dock is hard work and can be dangerous.
I have the house to myself tonight and I enjoy it. I found my truck today under the mound of dirt that has been living in it, and I feel better about driving it now. I also went out to eat with a good friend and it was nice not to think about what others think of me, with her and a select few I don't need to impress them or worry that they think I am a dork. They already know and still hang out with me. It was nice and leaves me at peace. I did work today and found out that I can do my job by myself, well mostly. I have tomorrow off and can stay up late tonight.
I am really tired though. It might be from the lobster colored skin on my back or the long day that was made longer by the storm at 4 this morning. Who knows, but for once I am not cranky tired. I am instead peaceful tired. I have a lot to do tomorrow but it will get done eventually and this time sunscreen will be involved. For now I am alive and mainly well, except for the foot. Life is good for right now, I hope yours is too.
Ta Ta
I never thought that I would actually have a summer working as much as I do, but somehow I find a way. If I work it is followed by going to the beach or hanging out with friends. There is little stress in my life except for losing my phone (which is now recovered) and my sunburned back and my sore foot. Working on the dock is hard work and can be dangerous.
I have the house to myself tonight and I enjoy it. I found my truck today under the mound of dirt that has been living in it, and I feel better about driving it now. I also went out to eat with a good friend and it was nice not to think about what others think of me, with her and a select few I don't need to impress them or worry that they think I am a dork. They already know and still hang out with me. It was nice and leaves me at peace. I did work today and found out that I can do my job by myself, well mostly. I have tomorrow off and can stay up late tonight.
I am really tired though. It might be from the lobster colored skin on my back or the long day that was made longer by the storm at 4 this morning. Who knows, but for once I am not cranky tired. I am instead peaceful tired. I have a lot to do tomorrow but it will get done eventually and this time sunscreen will be involved. For now I am alive and mainly well, except for the foot. Life is good for right now, I hope yours is too.
Ta Ta
Thursday, June 19, 2008
This place I call home
Hello.
Sometimes when I am home I forget for a little bit how magical of a world I live in. Then I wake up from a nap after work and walk outside and it hits me again. This isn't a dorm or an apartment, this isn't a city or anywhere close to it. This is a small town family living in a small neighborhood that is set off in the beauty of the Northwoods of Wisconsin.
Let me paint a picture of what I see when I look around my yard. In my front yard you see the trees curl up and around my driveway and the sun periodically peeks through. Then trees surround my entire yard and you can hardly see the neighbors houses. Mainly it is indescribable because it is the warm cozy feeling of knowing that it is nature that is protecting you.
In my backyard trees line the left hand side and the right hand side is bordered by a fence between my neighbors perfectly manicured lawn and my own. The only way the back of the property is bordered is by water. That lake that I grew up on and have such and affection for. The lake that as a small child I would spend six hours or more swimming and boating and in general splashing around in. My back yard is a small hill the leads down to a small beach house and fire pit with benches around it and a little walk way to the beach. There is a hammock and two docks one for the pontoon boat and other small crafts ( canoes, kayaks, paddle boats, whatever one we have in the water) and one for the speed boat and for tanning and jumping off of. Soon the rafts will be out about 25 meters apart and I will spend my days with friends just lounging on them.
Again it is mainly intangible things that I love about this place. Things like the tree my brother and I used to climb, or the place my old squeaky swing set used to reside, or the part of the Canadian shield that I used to just go to sit and read a book, The place where I got the scar on my leg or the place I got the one on my arm. The stump of the tree that I ran into sledding and sprained my ankle so bad I couldn't walk so my dad went out and simply chopped the tree down. This is the place that my brother and I grew up, played together, fought together, and generally grew to like one another. This is the place that I returned to after every big event in life and I will return to for a long time. This is a place that my friends hang out and that I am comfortable.
As I work on the boat with my dad I get to thinking that this is the kind of life I want for my kids. I want my kids to know that you have to, in general, use hand tools on a boat because then you can be more sensitive and are less likely to break the rusty screws. I want my kids to know what it is to break a sweat on a boat that will bring you so much enjoyment in the future. I want my kids to know how to use tools and to know the great feeling of utter exhaustion after a day of physical labor. I want my kids to know what it is like to run down a hill with your towel tied around your neck so as to pretend they are superman as they jump off the dock and into the water, but also to know later what it is like to fix that dock. I want my kids to know how to drive a boat and have their first driving experience be on their fathers lap when they are three years old on a boat. I want my kids to have the childhood I did because I can't think of a better one, and I think that is the highest complement you can give your parents.
That is all for now.
Ta Ta
Sometimes when I am home I forget for a little bit how magical of a world I live in. Then I wake up from a nap after work and walk outside and it hits me again. This isn't a dorm or an apartment, this isn't a city or anywhere close to it. This is a small town family living in a small neighborhood that is set off in the beauty of the Northwoods of Wisconsin.
Let me paint a picture of what I see when I look around my yard. In my front yard you see the trees curl up and around my driveway and the sun periodically peeks through. Then trees surround my entire yard and you can hardly see the neighbors houses. Mainly it is indescribable because it is the warm cozy feeling of knowing that it is nature that is protecting you.
In my backyard trees line the left hand side and the right hand side is bordered by a fence between my neighbors perfectly manicured lawn and my own. The only way the back of the property is bordered is by water. That lake that I grew up on and have such and affection for. The lake that as a small child I would spend six hours or more swimming and boating and in general splashing around in. My back yard is a small hill the leads down to a small beach house and fire pit with benches around it and a little walk way to the beach. There is a hammock and two docks one for the pontoon boat and other small crafts ( canoes, kayaks, paddle boats, whatever one we have in the water) and one for the speed boat and for tanning and jumping off of. Soon the rafts will be out about 25 meters apart and I will spend my days with friends just lounging on them.
Again it is mainly intangible things that I love about this place. Things like the tree my brother and I used to climb, or the place my old squeaky swing set used to reside, or the part of the Canadian shield that I used to just go to sit and read a book, The place where I got the scar on my leg or the place I got the one on my arm. The stump of the tree that I ran into sledding and sprained my ankle so bad I couldn't walk so my dad went out and simply chopped the tree down. This is the place that my brother and I grew up, played together, fought together, and generally grew to like one another. This is the place that I returned to after every big event in life and I will return to for a long time. This is a place that my friends hang out and that I am comfortable.
As I work on the boat with my dad I get to thinking that this is the kind of life I want for my kids. I want my kids to know that you have to, in general, use hand tools on a boat because then you can be more sensitive and are less likely to break the rusty screws. I want my kids to know what it is to break a sweat on a boat that will bring you so much enjoyment in the future. I want my kids to know how to use tools and to know the great feeling of utter exhaustion after a day of physical labor. I want my kids to know what it is like to run down a hill with your towel tied around your neck so as to pretend they are superman as they jump off the dock and into the water, but also to know later what it is like to fix that dock. I want my kids to know how to drive a boat and have their first driving experience be on their fathers lap when they are three years old on a boat. I want my kids to have the childhood I did because I can't think of a better one, and I think that is the highest complement you can give your parents.
That is all for now.
Ta Ta
Saturday, June 7, 2008
The new update
Hello,
So for those of you who have yet to figure it out I am in fact home. I am assuming those of you who read this have however actually seen me so that statement was moot.
It is late and I am writing this and thinking about how much I have to discuss and thinking I won't get to all of it. So either this will be long or I will have a few installments over the next few days.
How strange it is to be home. It is a house that you grew up in and that you parents still inhabit. They have rules, and must be asked simple questions that either seem to annoy them or were questions that not even I had to ask myself before. They keep the same beliefs that if I make something it is free for them to eat all of it. This assumption while not totally wrong, leads to me not getting one single bite of a meal that could have fed six. That aside it isn't too bad, at least for me.
Now that I am back I feel I have assumed my old roles of worker, friend, daughter, all around reliable person, etc. This is what helps to make me sometimes ask did it really happen? did I really leave and have a different life? I work in the same place I always worked, I live in the same house and I keep the same friends. I have many friends and it gets hard at times to keep up with all of them but I find it hard to choose between them.
I am a people pleaser, at least a little bit because I don't want to lose a friend. This goes to the extreme of not wanting to lose my ex boyfriend as a friend because he was a friend first. I feel some people take advantage of this and others just take advantage of me. I do notice.
I went to a party tonight. I didn't drink and was an overall good girl. It was so interesting to see some people that I know fairly well get drunk and some people I hardly knew. As I watched one of my friends who knows some of my most embarrassing moments get drunk all I could do was wait for the stories to start. I watched as the guys got more hillbilly and laughed at them as the stumbled everywhere. They will be feeling this nights fun tomorrow morning.
I was so happy I actually got to go to this party though. I almost was forced not to stay out there because I was supposed to work tomorrow morning. I got out of that though. I switched departments and maybe this will help me to feel that this summer is not the same as the last summer. So tomorrow is my first day off in a long time. I plan on getting caught up on the list of things that I need to do. My days are the same. Everyday with little variation. I get up and go to work. When I am done with that I get about a half hour and then I invite some friend over and we just hang out. Then it is to bed. Just put that on repeat. Work consumes my life right now and once I am used to it I will have to find something else.
Well I am off to sleep. More later.
Ta Ta
So for those of you who have yet to figure it out I am in fact home. I am assuming those of you who read this have however actually seen me so that statement was moot.
It is late and I am writing this and thinking about how much I have to discuss and thinking I won't get to all of it. So either this will be long or I will have a few installments over the next few days.
How strange it is to be home. It is a house that you grew up in and that you parents still inhabit. They have rules, and must be asked simple questions that either seem to annoy them or were questions that not even I had to ask myself before. They keep the same beliefs that if I make something it is free for them to eat all of it. This assumption while not totally wrong, leads to me not getting one single bite of a meal that could have fed six. That aside it isn't too bad, at least for me.
Now that I am back I feel I have assumed my old roles of worker, friend, daughter, all around reliable person, etc. This is what helps to make me sometimes ask did it really happen? did I really leave and have a different life? I work in the same place I always worked, I live in the same house and I keep the same friends. I have many friends and it gets hard at times to keep up with all of them but I find it hard to choose between them.
I am a people pleaser, at least a little bit because I don't want to lose a friend. This goes to the extreme of not wanting to lose my ex boyfriend as a friend because he was a friend first. I feel some people take advantage of this and others just take advantage of me. I do notice.
I went to a party tonight. I didn't drink and was an overall good girl. It was so interesting to see some people that I know fairly well get drunk and some people I hardly knew. As I watched one of my friends who knows some of my most embarrassing moments get drunk all I could do was wait for the stories to start. I watched as the guys got more hillbilly and laughed at them as the stumbled everywhere. They will be feeling this nights fun tomorrow morning.
I was so happy I actually got to go to this party though. I almost was forced not to stay out there because I was supposed to work tomorrow morning. I got out of that though. I switched departments and maybe this will help me to feel that this summer is not the same as the last summer. So tomorrow is my first day off in a long time. I plan on getting caught up on the list of things that I need to do. My days are the same. Everyday with little variation. I get up and go to work. When I am done with that I get about a half hour and then I invite some friend over and we just hang out. Then it is to bed. Just put that on repeat. Work consumes my life right now and once I am used to it I will have to find something else.
Well I am off to sleep. More later.
Ta Ta
Monday, May 5, 2008
Unsure of anything
Hello,
I am sick. I think you should know. It is a very indescribable sick, seeing as I am horrible at describing things I won't even try. This whole sick thing even led to a hospital ordeal, but don't worry that turned out to be nothing.
I haven't been eating and I know I should, so just get off my back. I just feel even more sick after I eat and I have no appetite at all. I am going back into health services, hopefully this time they will help.
I have a lot on my mind also. I talked to Sam this weekend though. That was good. I got a few things cleared up and found out he is deploying. I am not okay with that as you might have guessed. I still also have yet to double check my job. I will do that today.
Finals are coming up and I am barely thinking about them. I only have two that I am worried about, and I will start studying for those this week.
Everyone is excited about summer and going home. I am not and I don't know why. Maybe because I am used to this now. Maybe because it means I finally have to get on with my future and stop this holding pattern. Maybe because I am not sure I will be returning to school with the same intent that I started with. That intent that has been with me since I was 13. That scares me a lot. It is a lot of money that is being shelled out for me to be this unsure.
Oh balls! I have class now.
Ta Ta
I am sick. I think you should know. It is a very indescribable sick, seeing as I am horrible at describing things I won't even try. This whole sick thing even led to a hospital ordeal, but don't worry that turned out to be nothing.
I haven't been eating and I know I should, so just get off my back. I just feel even more sick after I eat and I have no appetite at all. I am going back into health services, hopefully this time they will help.
I have a lot on my mind also. I talked to Sam this weekend though. That was good. I got a few things cleared up and found out he is deploying. I am not okay with that as you might have guessed. I still also have yet to double check my job. I will do that today.
Finals are coming up and I am barely thinking about them. I only have two that I am worried about, and I will start studying for those this week.
Everyone is excited about summer and going home. I am not and I don't know why. Maybe because I am used to this now. Maybe because it means I finally have to get on with my future and stop this holding pattern. Maybe because I am not sure I will be returning to school with the same intent that I started with. That intent that has been with me since I was 13. That scares me a lot. It is a lot of money that is being shelled out for me to be this unsure.
Oh balls! I have class now.
Ta Ta
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I need some condo time
Hello,
I need to stop. This applies to a lot of things. I need to stop worrying and start relaxing. I need to stop assuming that I can fix everything. I need to stop wanting to fix everything and stop feeling personally invested when things fail. I need to stop thinking about the long term future and focus on now. I need to start breathing, start running, start living.
There is one fatal flaw, I don't know how to do it, and I am to apathetic to change my ways. I hate that I care so much about so much. I shouldn't but I do.
My decision is made and I have told everyone except for one because I am a selfish chicken, or maybe because I don't want to hurt her feelings. There is also this little thing that I am not sure I made the right decision, on a lot of things.
The horrible part is this leads me to think I want/need a drink. I don't always like what I have done after I drink, but the stress relief is still good.
If I had a car I would do what I did in high school. I would just drive. Drive until the weight of the world isn't crashing down. Drive until I have figured things out. Drive until I am out of tears or hatred. Drive until dawn.
I don't get enough sleep. But what is new about that? I am becoming apathetic about my school work and while that isn't new it is possibly bad for me.
I need to stop thinking about the past. It is done and there is no changing what I have done, and what is over.
Be proud. I have gone the entire day without drinking caffeine and this on very little sleep.
This wasn't for anyone else. This was for me. If you feel like it you can talk to me about it (if I post it that is).
Ta Ta
I need to stop. This applies to a lot of things. I need to stop worrying and start relaxing. I need to stop assuming that I can fix everything. I need to stop wanting to fix everything and stop feeling personally invested when things fail. I need to stop thinking about the long term future and focus on now. I need to start breathing, start running, start living.
There is one fatal flaw, I don't know how to do it, and I am to apathetic to change my ways. I hate that I care so much about so much. I shouldn't but I do.
My decision is made and I have told everyone except for one because I am a selfish chicken, or maybe because I don't want to hurt her feelings. There is also this little thing that I am not sure I made the right decision, on a lot of things.
The horrible part is this leads me to think I want/need a drink. I don't always like what I have done after I drink, but the stress relief is still good.
If I had a car I would do what I did in high school. I would just drive. Drive until the weight of the world isn't crashing down. Drive until I have figured things out. Drive until I am out of tears or hatred. Drive until dawn.
I don't get enough sleep. But what is new about that? I am becoming apathetic about my school work and while that isn't new it is possibly bad for me.
I need to stop thinking about the past. It is done and there is no changing what I have done, and what is over.
Be proud. I have gone the entire day without drinking caffeine and this on very little sleep.
This wasn't for anyone else. This was for me. If you feel like it you can talk to me about it (if I post it that is).
Ta Ta
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